CapsLockGirl wants a new nickname.

CAPSLOCKGIRL 2: REVENGE OF THE LOCK

---

CapsLockGirl: "Help! I'm on the website that our credit card company is using, and it's locked me! It says I can't log in for 30 mins!! I'm gonna get fired!!"
Me: "Calm down, calm down. Let me remote view your screen...ok...I see the error message...can you try and log in again for me?"
CapsLockGirl: *logs in, same error, I watch it all* "SEE!! I NEED TO GET THIS DONE I CAN'T WAIT 30 MINUTES"
Me: "Ok, can you give me the password?"
CapsLockGirl: "password15"
Me: "Ok...wait...that's 10 characters...the password you just typed was 8......did you use the numpad for the numbers?"
CapsLockGirl: "Of course! All good admin girls do!"
Me: "...Is the num lock key on?"
CapsLockGirl: "Where's that?"
Me: *twitch* "It's above the 7 on the numpad, see the light come on and off?
CapsLockGirl: "Ah ok! Yea, the light's on now!"
Me: *sob*

---

I don't think the lights are on.

It's better on a Mac, obviously!

I dunno, I guess I thought the head head HEAD it manager, who plays with database scripting all day, would know how to terminate a process?

---

iOrgasm: "Help! My database script is looping! How do I terminate? I've forgotten the way!"
Me: "Er...task manager?"
iOrgasm: "Yes, that's it! Task manager! I'd forgotten!..........how do I get there with a keystroke again?"
Me: "Well, you could use CtrlShiftEsc to go directly to the task manager, but the much more common CtrlAltDel will pop up a menu for you to navigate to the task manager, then blahblahendprocessetc"
iOrgasm: "That's handy!"

---

Of course, a Mac would NEVER have the need to terminate a process!

Too Much Information.

So, the company is going through ANOTHER expansion phase, and this means that we've got to have a call centre.

After the horrific experiment that was the last call centre (everyone was fired, basically), I went into this very afraid. iOrgasm wasn't around for the old call centre, so PonyGirl and I were quick to impress onto him that this was going to be a gigantic clusterfuck of epic proportions.

Our General Manager, however, wants it, and has a new employee to handle it - I've called him the LetsDoCokeMan. To say he is 'chipper' is an understatement. He's running on all engines all the god damn time, buzzing around like a crackhead. He's proactive, extreme, and all those other buzzwords which people use to describe crazy people.

---

GeneralManager: "I need a folder on the H:\ drive that only I and LetsDoCokeMan have access to." (H is our network drive, everyone has full access)
Me: "Sure, not a problem" *clickity click!*
LetsDoCokeMan: "Thanks! Wait....it says the administrators group can still get access."
Me: "Yes, that's by design, just in case something goes wrong. Don't worry, no regular users are in the administrator group, and only 3 people know the administrator password, and I'm not sure 1 of those 3 knows how to change file/folder permissions."
LetsDoCokeMan: "But I want full privacy. Can you remove administrators?"
Me: "I can...but administrators can Take Ownership back anyway." (OH GOD I HAVE TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT)
LetsDoCokeMan: "They what?! That's unfair! That's unethical!" (I was waiting for  "illegal" as well) blahblahblah need full privacy blahblah why administrators blahblah-
Me: *I give a technical spiel about users fucking up permissions*
LetsDoCokeMan: "If I was in the administrator's group, could I preve-"
Me: "NO. Sorry, but no."

---

Crazy people need to shot down quickly before they infect others!

CapsLockGirl feeds on new blood.

My new boss, iOrgasm, gets a dose of CapsLockGirl.

He's left bewildered for the rest of the day.

---

iOrgasm: (in an e-mail to her) "Please ring 1-800-621-132 and talk to them about your issue"
CapsLookGirl: Where's the hyphen button on the phone pad?

---

All I could do was smile. Seeing other people suffer is a great way to relive stress :3

Please listen to me.

Sometimes I wonder if people call IT support just to vent their problems, and not actually get any support. Maybe my job title should be "Human Bitch - listen to other people whine and cry about unrelated crap". 

I'd get paid more, at least.

---

AngryRussian: "This guy has sent me a word doc in 3 parts! When I sent it to him, it was just 1 page!"
Me: "Oh ok, just forward it to m-"
AngryRussian: "Yea I sent it to him about an hour ago."
Me: "Forward it onto me ple-"
AngryRussian: "He's a new contractor, I hope we get it!"
Me: "Forward. To. Me."  

Me: "..........................it's 3 pages long."
AngryRussian: "Exactly! 3 parts! What did he do?!"
Me: "Are you viewing it in Full Screen Reader mode?"
AngryRussian: "What is that? There's a prompt when I open the doc, but I just ignore it."
Me: *twitch* "Ok, can you close and open it agai-"
AngryRussian: "I mean, we've both got Office 2k7, this shouldn't be happening."
Me: "Close it. Re-open. Read prompt." (getting angry)
AngryRussian: "Sigh, ok, just trying to get some work done, bloody computers!"
Me: "Don't open it via Outlook. Or, turn off full screen viewing by clicking on the Optio-" (raging it up!)
AngryRussian: "How did this happen? I mean, do all our docs come back as this?"
Me: "BigBoss just walked in. I'll e-mail you what to do, gottagobye" (ARRRGH I MUST KILL HIM)

---
 
FUCKING RUSSIANS, WHY DID CANADA NUKE THEM

Apparently laptops grow on trees!

Today's entry has a new face - the HumanBlob. HumanBlob, while a fairly big guy, isn't a living ooze or anything like that; in fact, this nickname was bestowed upon him by one of co-workers. The HumanBlob tends to leave his work area (and surrounding areas which aren't exactly his) in a rather messy state, but apart from that (and his swearing, he's a Queenslander!), he gets along with other people.

Now that he's started, and we're getting other people newer stuff, our laptop supply is running lower and lower. It's starting to get nasty, with people lying about things, betraying each other, and general asshole-ness.

There's other new faces involved, but I'll talk about them later. This shit should be in a Wagnerian Opera.

---

CapsLockGirl: "We need spare laptops! We have new people starting soon, and we have no spare computers! If something dies, we're screwed!" (everything is a potential drama to her).
Me: "Ok...wait, don't you have one? My register show that-"
CapsLockGirl: "Yea, but we're training a guy on it"
Me: "Oh...er...ok...we'll send one up!"
CapsLockGirl: "Yay! you may sample my vagina" (ok she didn't really say this, but fuck she was gushing, Admin girls gets so happy over the little things)

---

OldOfficeLady: "Do you have a spare laptop?"
Me: "Er, why?"
OldOfficeLady: "We have a new person start tomorrow!"
Me: "....what."
OldOfficeLady: "Yea, can you set everything up for him?"
Me: "What's his name?"
OldOfficeLady: "Dunno, you can ask him tomorrow!"

---

*ring ring*

OldOfficeLady: "I have HumanBlob on the phone for you."
Me: "Ok thanks!"

*transfer*

HumanBlob: "Ya gay thunderbird, I've got bad news" (I had recently dyed my hair blonde, so that mad me a raging homo in his eyes).
Me: "I've got to tell CapsLockGirl that I can't give her a spare laptop I promised, she's going to cry, you can't have any bad news for me"
HumanBlob: "Why do you need to give her a spare?"
Me: "New guy starts tomorrow - so what's your bad news?"
HumanBlob: "I'm the airport, and I've missed my flight."
Me: "Oh....that sucks, but it's not really my prob-"
HumanBlob: "I missed it because my laptop was stolen at the airport when I left it on a chair and walked off without it."
Me: "......................................................................." (totally speechless)
HumanBlob: "They won't be able to access anything right? There's a password!"
Me: "................they can access pretty much everything."
HumanBlob: "Oh. So.....no spares?"

*twitch*

*ring ring*

RandomBreasts88: "HELP MY LAPTOP WON'T BOOT!!"
Me: "....are you joking?"
RandomBreasts88: "NO HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!"

*cry*

*ring ring*

QLDOfficeLady: "Hi, we have a new manager starting next week, we need a laptop."
Me: "Yea I know...wait, QLD? Er....I thought he was starting in VIC!"
QLDOfficeLady: "Er, no, we're getting a new manager too, as well as one manager down there. So, spare laptop?"

*sob*

---

Cannot get any worse! Well, it can, but I try not to think of such things.

---

Epilogue:

AdelaideOfficeWorker: "I quit, see ya!"
Me: "GIVE ME YOUR LAPTOP NOW"

Revenge of the CapsLockGirl.

She is either bored and lonely, and just wants someone to talk to.

Or she is a criminal mastermind, slowing eroding my sanity so she can use me as her puppet to slaughter my co-workers.

---

CapsLockGirl: "I'm getting this message that my mailbox is full! What does that mean?!"
Me: "...your inbox is full."
CapsLockGirl: "Oh! Ok. What can I do?"
Me: "Can you delet-"
CapsLockGirl: "NO! I need these! I don't want to keep them, but I have to!!" (semi-panicing at the mere mention of deleting)
Me: "Okokok, we'll archive them." *I slowly explain the archiving process to her*
CapsLockGirl: "Ok. How long will archiving take?"
Me: "Hmm, your mailbox is at the 2gb limit, so...10-15 minutes? I wouldn't expect it in 2 minutes, go have lunch or something"
CapsLockGirl: "A lunch break?...hmm ok, that's a good idea, thanks!"
Me: "Bye!"

LITERALLY 2 FUCKING MINUTES LATER

CapsLockGirl: "It's still going."
Me: "..."

OH FUCK ITS RINGING AGAIN

CapsLockGirl: "Ok done, how do I change my password" (She's quite paranoid about people reading her e-mail)
Me: *ctrl-alt-del change password blahblah*
CapsLockGirl: "Huh? 8 character limit?!"
Me: "It's more secure."
CapsLockGirl: "Ok, I'll just repeat it twice"
Me: "...It's not your PIN repeated twice, is it?"
CapsLockGirl: "......No!"
Me: "Uh-huh."

FUCK IT'S RINGING AGAIN WHY MUST YOU INTERRUPT MY FUCKING LIFE

CapsLockGirl: "Got any pics of your trip to Thailand?"
Me: *sob*

---

Derosion sounds better.

US English...probably.

I never really cared about the US/UK spelling of certain words. Some people get so riled up about it, but I always thought that so long as the meaning of the word was conveyed, then it's all ok. Isn't that what language is all about?

CapsLockGirl, however, seems intent on breaking down such barriers.

---

CapsLockGirl: "Hi, I need the wireless key. I've moved to another laptop, and I don't know it."
Me: "It's promise!6. all lower case, no spaces, the number 6...if you can't find the !, it's shift-1." (Ok, I was being a dick here :D )
CapsLockGirl: "Nono, it's not working...it's not liking it."
Me: "Please tell me exactly what you typed."
CapsLockGirl: "promize!six"

---

At least she's consistent!

Hurr Hurr 69 joke!

Our company has gone through a lot of employee turnover recently. Among the biggest changes was in Accounts - our old accountant, who pretty much demanded he was in charge of everything (even outside of Accounts) had moved on, and we had received, in his place, ShakespeareAccountant. 

ShakespeareAccountant, while a far more competent accountant that what we had, has a rather large flair for the dramatic during everyday speech. It almost seems like life is merely a stage for him, and he's inside a play, rehearsing his lines to us. Since he's just started, and trying to get his head around our policies (some of which are retarded), he's in the "TRAGEDY! ALAS!" mode of acting. 

And then the Tax Office called.

---

ShakespeareAccountant: "The Tax Office wants some of our files!"
Me: "Oh. Is that bad?"
ShakespeareAccountant:: "Well, its not great, but we're not a dodgy company, so we'll be fine. I need access to our Quickbooks data files."
Me: "Cool, not a proble-......wait, we use Quickbooks? What happened to MYOB?"
ShakespeareAccountant:: "Huh? We've always used both in tandem. You know, on <compname>?"
Me: "Oh, that thing. Er...I've never had access to it. Finance stuff, and all that - the old accountant didn't like sharing access for anything. Can't you access the data through your machine? I always assumed that you had some software that talked to it"
ShakespeareAccountant:: "Um....I just play with numbers."

--- 

I found out that the Quickbooks box is basically a network storage device, sans UPS. No-one here knows how to access it, and of course, all actual documentation is long gone (if it ever existed). And now the Tax Office has used the words "urgently need".

You know, if I hadn't just had an awesome holiday, this might annoy me.

Fresh Blood.

So, after my trip to Thailand, I come back and find that my boss has resigned, and that I've gotten a new boss. He's a total Mac fanboy, with a strong history with databases and management. I have named him iOrgasm, for he seems to be aroused by any 'sexy' computer hardware designs, be it Apple's gifts, or over-the-top heatsink/fans.

Today, he had an IT problem, and so being the eager, fresh, not-tainted-at-all employee, I offered my services.

---

iOrgasm: "My network seems to drop out on Monday mornings"
Me: "Oh...er, that's weird. Let's replace your network cab-"
iOrgasm: "Must be Mondayitis!"
Me: "Hahaha. Here's your cabl-"
iOrgasm: "But seriously, machines do seem to suffer from it. It's been a problem at previous workplaces" (He's 100% serious)
Me: ".....um.......cabl-"
iOrgasm: "Thanks, but knowing my luck, it'll be ok tomorrow!"

---

I can tell he's going to be ripped to shreds by this job.