Subtle.

I guess my friends were right! I had to call the Sydney office to test something, and...well, yes.

---

Me: "Hi CapsLockGirl, can you do me a favour?"
CapsLockGirl: "Anything! Well, almost anything. Well....it's Friday, so anything. Anytthhingggg."
Me: "Er, right. Can you restart Outlook?"
CapsLockGirl: "Oh, is that all?"
Me: "....yea."
CapsLockGirl: "...Oh."

---

Sometimes, we are put in the Friend Zone. Sometimes, we put ourselves there.

A new enemy approaches!

The new call centre is getting people in - some of these people are quite nice and rad, while some are fucking gigantic bitches who need to fucking ARHBHGGHHGHGG even typing about her pisses me off.

Some of her co-workers suspect her of being a drug dealer, and she's got red hair and a bad temper, so I've named RedRoidRage. She certainly CAUSES rage problems.

---

RedRoidRage: "John! Our fax isn't working!"
Me: "It's xxxx, actually."
RedRoidRage: "Oh. Well, our fax isn't working! I need to train these new people on the phones for the telemarketing!!"
Me: "Ok, I'll be right there"

RedRoidRage: *talking to her new employees, the call centre monkeys* "Ok, so to get an outside line, push 0, then dial your number...oh Joh--...er, xxxx, isn't it? Yes! Please solve it!"
Me: *walks over, does a test fax, works perfectly*
RedRoidRage: "What?! But, it was broken for us!"
Me: "Did you...er...push a 0 for a outside line?"

*silence, I love it*

RedRoidRage: "But, it's a fax! No-one told me that! Why didn't anyone tell me that? It's not logical!!"
Me: "Well, I'll write up a big note and stick on the wall, saying to dial 0 before going out, just like all the other phone systems we have" (super sarcasm)
RedRoidRage: "Good, thank you...*thinks*......xxxx? Yes, xxxx".

---

Bitch is going down.

Printer Fight!

So the new call centre, run by the LetsDoCokeMan, is going full steam ahead. They're reopened an old office, got the furniture in, and are running interviews for new Call Centre Crew members even now (hopefully they won't smell like the old ones). Alas, they don't have a printer - and that means IT is to blame!

---

LetsDoCokeMan: "We need a printer!"
Me: "Ok.....what are you requirements?"
LetsDoCokeMan: "Cheap as shit, and we'll be printing a LOT. Also, fax and scanning."
Me: "That won't be cheap."
LetsDoCokeMan: "Well, fuck it then, we'll take the BizHub printer downstairs" (a very awesome commerical printer)
OldOfficeLady: "Hahahaha...no. Not a chance."
Me: "Don't take it, you'll have a riot."
LetsDoCokeMan: "Ok ok, I'll get the General Manager to spend some money."

*comes back one day later*

GeneralManager: "Ok, they can have <HP model>, it's got scanning and fax. I saw it on the intrawebs!"
Me/PonyGirl/iOrgasm: "...It's an inkjet." (tears are already forming in our eyes)
GeneralManager: "So?"
Me: "It's going to break. And running costs won't be cheap!"
GeneralManager: "Shrug, office will only be open for 3 months!"

---

Who needs long term solutions?!
Also, never mess with a shared office printer, unless you want to be the office pariah.

Scaremongering.

KABOOM! Sydney office (+ surrounding block) loses power due to a rather large thunderstorm.

---

iOrgasm: *walking into my office* "I heard that the Sydney office is offline?"
Me: "Er...*checks*...yes! But server is still up, UPS has kicked in, so all is fine."
iOrgasm: "What would happen if no UPS?"
Me: "We'd probably lose our jobs for being retards, but um...probably nothing. Maybe some small data loss."
iOrgasm: "Worst case scenario?"
Me: "Um...there's a power spike, power supply blows up, takes server with it, all the day's work is lost, lots of money spent on new server, lots of hours spend on rebuilding OS, restoring from backup, etcetc"
iOrgasm: "Cool. Put that in an e-mail, and send it to me. I need to scare the BigBoss"
Me: "But...the UPS worked perfectly. I didn't even know that Sydney was offline."
iOrgasm: "Do it!"

---

If I ever get into management, I wonder, will I become this kind of person? Is this the kind of game that has to be played to survive?

Love and Hate.

She is the Alpha and the Omega.
The Beginning and the End.

---

CapsLockGirl: "My keyboard doesn't work, I'm doing data entry, its just not working, where can I...nope not working, sigh." (she's quite busy, and getting flustered)
Me: "It's ok, just swap the batteries out."
CapsLockGirl: "Grr, where's the caps lock key again?" 
Me: "........................................next to the A key, remember?" (it was a long, awkward silence).
CapsLockGirl: "Sigh ok I'm just gonna restart I'll call you back." *click*

---

>_<

No, seriously, don't touch it.

Our Perth office is run by the BigBoss - the company owner, and through whom all the big decisions go through. Unfortunately, he has a dim view of IT - he believes it can be run by a 15 year old, and that spending money on it is a waste of time. To this end, the Perth office is rather backward in it's IT implementation, while every other state at least tries to stay ahead of the curve.

From an IT support perspective, this makes my life hell.

---

RandomDude55: "We can't see the printer!"
Me: "Ok...you guys don't really have that good an infrastructure, and you never want to spend any money or tell us whats going on...so it's hard for us to support...but hey, I'll give it a shot." (I'm feeling snarky)
RandomDude55: "What? Just fix it!"
Me: "Is it plugged in? Did you move the cables?"
RandomDude55: "Yup, plugged in, BigBoss brought and installed a new router." (A vein pops in my head)

*90 minutes later of horrible remote support, IP changing, configuring router, etc*

RandomDude55: "Still can't see it!"
Me: "...are you SURE it's plugged in? Double check for me."
RandomDude55: "....................oho!"

---

IT Support will always be self-sustaining.

Alas, boobs, I knew ye well.

When you live so much of your life on the intrawebs, it's something quite jarring to experience it outside of it at the workplace.

Today's HotChick is one of the quieter ones in the office, but still pretty awesome. Also, a great rack - these are important details! She's leaving the company in a few weeks, so she's got quite the mischievous streak at the moment.

---

HotChick: "So I found out what Rickrolling is! Why don't you rickroll <co-worker's> machine?"
Me: "Hohoho that'd be funny!...please don't try it, you'll get a virus."
HotChick: "Aww, ok."

*After she had gone home that night*

Me: "Ok...set wallpaper to Rick Astley, set login sound to Never Gonna Give You Up...success!"

*Next morning*

HotChick: "OMG! I heard rickroll when I logged in!...but who's the guy in my wallpaper?"
Me: "....that's Rick Astley."
HotChick: "Huh? Who?"

---

Set it so user cannot change wallpaper. Ever.

CapsLockGirl wants a new nickname.

CAPSLOCKGIRL 2: REVENGE OF THE LOCK

---

CapsLockGirl: "Help! I'm on the website that our credit card company is using, and it's locked me! It says I can't log in for 30 mins!! I'm gonna get fired!!"
Me: "Calm down, calm down. Let me remote view your screen...ok...I see the error message...can you try and log in again for me?"
CapsLockGirl: *logs in, same error, I watch it all* "SEE!! I NEED TO GET THIS DONE I CAN'T WAIT 30 MINUTES"
Me: "Ok, can you give me the password?"
CapsLockGirl: "password15"
Me: "Ok...wait...that's 10 characters...the password you just typed was 8......did you use the numpad for the numbers?"
CapsLockGirl: "Of course! All good admin girls do!"
Me: "...Is the num lock key on?"
CapsLockGirl: "Where's that?"
Me: *twitch* "It's above the 7 on the numpad, see the light come on and off?
CapsLockGirl: "Ah ok! Yea, the light's on now!"
Me: *sob*

---

I don't think the lights are on.

It's better on a Mac, obviously!

I dunno, I guess I thought the head head HEAD it manager, who plays with database scripting all day, would know how to terminate a process?

---

iOrgasm: "Help! My database script is looping! How do I terminate? I've forgotten the way!"
Me: "Er...task manager?"
iOrgasm: "Yes, that's it! Task manager! I'd forgotten!..........how do I get there with a keystroke again?"
Me: "Well, you could use CtrlShiftEsc to go directly to the task manager, but the much more common CtrlAltDel will pop up a menu for you to navigate to the task manager, then blahblahendprocessetc"
iOrgasm: "That's handy!"

---

Of course, a Mac would NEVER have the need to terminate a process!

Too Much Information.

So, the company is going through ANOTHER expansion phase, and this means that we've got to have a call centre.

After the horrific experiment that was the last call centre (everyone was fired, basically), I went into this very afraid. iOrgasm wasn't around for the old call centre, so PonyGirl and I were quick to impress onto him that this was going to be a gigantic clusterfuck of epic proportions.

Our General Manager, however, wants it, and has a new employee to handle it - I've called him the LetsDoCokeMan. To say he is 'chipper' is an understatement. He's running on all engines all the god damn time, buzzing around like a crackhead. He's proactive, extreme, and all those other buzzwords which people use to describe crazy people.

---

GeneralManager: "I need a folder on the H:\ drive that only I and LetsDoCokeMan have access to." (H is our network drive, everyone has full access)
Me: "Sure, not a problem" *clickity click!*
LetsDoCokeMan: "Thanks! Wait....it says the administrators group can still get access."
Me: "Yes, that's by design, just in case something goes wrong. Don't worry, no regular users are in the administrator group, and only 3 people know the administrator password, and I'm not sure 1 of those 3 knows how to change file/folder permissions."
LetsDoCokeMan: "But I want full privacy. Can you remove administrators?"
Me: "I can...but administrators can Take Ownership back anyway." (OH GOD I HAVE TO KEEP MY MOUTH SHUT)
LetsDoCokeMan: "They what?! That's unfair! That's unethical!" (I was waiting for  "illegal" as well) blahblahblah need full privacy blahblah why administrators blahblah-
Me: *I give a technical spiel about users fucking up permissions*
LetsDoCokeMan: "If I was in the administrator's group, could I preve-"
Me: "NO. Sorry, but no."

---

Crazy people need to shot down quickly before they infect others!

CapsLockGirl feeds on new blood.

My new boss, iOrgasm, gets a dose of CapsLockGirl.

He's left bewildered for the rest of the day.

---

iOrgasm: (in an e-mail to her) "Please ring 1-800-621-132 and talk to them about your issue"
CapsLookGirl: Where's the hyphen button on the phone pad?

---

All I could do was smile. Seeing other people suffer is a great way to relive stress :3

Please listen to me.

Sometimes I wonder if people call IT support just to vent their problems, and not actually get any support. Maybe my job title should be "Human Bitch - listen to other people whine and cry about unrelated crap". 

I'd get paid more, at least.

---

AngryRussian: "This guy has sent me a word doc in 3 parts! When I sent it to him, it was just 1 page!"
Me: "Oh ok, just forward it to m-"
AngryRussian: "Yea I sent it to him about an hour ago."
Me: "Forward it onto me ple-"
AngryRussian: "He's a new contractor, I hope we get it!"
Me: "Forward. To. Me."  

Me: "..........................it's 3 pages long."
AngryRussian: "Exactly! 3 parts! What did he do?!"
Me: "Are you viewing it in Full Screen Reader mode?"
AngryRussian: "What is that? There's a prompt when I open the doc, but I just ignore it."
Me: *twitch* "Ok, can you close and open it agai-"
AngryRussian: "I mean, we've both got Office 2k7, this shouldn't be happening."
Me: "Close it. Re-open. Read prompt." (getting angry)
AngryRussian: "Sigh, ok, just trying to get some work done, bloody computers!"
Me: "Don't open it via Outlook. Or, turn off full screen viewing by clicking on the Optio-" (raging it up!)
AngryRussian: "How did this happen? I mean, do all our docs come back as this?"
Me: "BigBoss just walked in. I'll e-mail you what to do, gottagobye" (ARRRGH I MUST KILL HIM)

---
 
FUCKING RUSSIANS, WHY DID CANADA NUKE THEM

Apparently laptops grow on trees!

Today's entry has a new face - the HumanBlob. HumanBlob, while a fairly big guy, isn't a living ooze or anything like that; in fact, this nickname was bestowed upon him by one of co-workers. The HumanBlob tends to leave his work area (and surrounding areas which aren't exactly his) in a rather messy state, but apart from that (and his swearing, he's a Queenslander!), he gets along with other people.

Now that he's started, and we're getting other people newer stuff, our laptop supply is running lower and lower. It's starting to get nasty, with people lying about things, betraying each other, and general asshole-ness.

There's other new faces involved, but I'll talk about them later. This shit should be in a Wagnerian Opera.

---

CapsLockGirl: "We need spare laptops! We have new people starting soon, and we have no spare computers! If something dies, we're screwed!" (everything is a potential drama to her).
Me: "Ok...wait, don't you have one? My register show that-"
CapsLockGirl: "Yea, but we're training a guy on it"
Me: "Oh...er...ok...we'll send one up!"
CapsLockGirl: "Yay! you may sample my vagina" (ok she didn't really say this, but fuck she was gushing, Admin girls gets so happy over the little things)

---

OldOfficeLady: "Do you have a spare laptop?"
Me: "Er, why?"
OldOfficeLady: "We have a new person start tomorrow!"
Me: "....what."
OldOfficeLady: "Yea, can you set everything up for him?"
Me: "What's his name?"
OldOfficeLady: "Dunno, you can ask him tomorrow!"

---

*ring ring*

OldOfficeLady: "I have HumanBlob on the phone for you."
Me: "Ok thanks!"

*transfer*

HumanBlob: "Ya gay thunderbird, I've got bad news" (I had recently dyed my hair blonde, so that mad me a raging homo in his eyes).
Me: "I've got to tell CapsLockGirl that I can't give her a spare laptop I promised, she's going to cry, you can't have any bad news for me"
HumanBlob: "Why do you need to give her a spare?"
Me: "New guy starts tomorrow - so what's your bad news?"
HumanBlob: "I'm the airport, and I've missed my flight."
Me: "Oh....that sucks, but it's not really my prob-"
HumanBlob: "I missed it because my laptop was stolen at the airport when I left it on a chair and walked off without it."
Me: "......................................................................." (totally speechless)
HumanBlob: "They won't be able to access anything right? There's a password!"
Me: "................they can access pretty much everything."
HumanBlob: "Oh. So.....no spares?"

*twitch*

*ring ring*

RandomBreasts88: "HELP MY LAPTOP WON'T BOOT!!"
Me: "....are you joking?"
RandomBreasts88: "NO HELP MEEEEEEEEE!!"

*cry*

*ring ring*

QLDOfficeLady: "Hi, we have a new manager starting next week, we need a laptop."
Me: "Yea I know...wait, QLD? Er....I thought he was starting in VIC!"
QLDOfficeLady: "Er, no, we're getting a new manager too, as well as one manager down there. So, spare laptop?"

*sob*

---

Cannot get any worse! Well, it can, but I try not to think of such things.

---

Epilogue:

AdelaideOfficeWorker: "I quit, see ya!"
Me: "GIVE ME YOUR LAPTOP NOW"

Revenge of the CapsLockGirl.

She is either bored and lonely, and just wants someone to talk to.

Or she is a criminal mastermind, slowing eroding my sanity so she can use me as her puppet to slaughter my co-workers.

---

CapsLockGirl: "I'm getting this message that my mailbox is full! What does that mean?!"
Me: "...your inbox is full."
CapsLockGirl: "Oh! Ok. What can I do?"
Me: "Can you delet-"
CapsLockGirl: "NO! I need these! I don't want to keep them, but I have to!!" (semi-panicing at the mere mention of deleting)
Me: "Okokok, we'll archive them." *I slowly explain the archiving process to her*
CapsLockGirl: "Ok. How long will archiving take?"
Me: "Hmm, your mailbox is at the 2gb limit, so...10-15 minutes? I wouldn't expect it in 2 minutes, go have lunch or something"
CapsLockGirl: "A lunch break?...hmm ok, that's a good idea, thanks!"
Me: "Bye!"

LITERALLY 2 FUCKING MINUTES LATER

CapsLockGirl: "It's still going."
Me: "..."

OH FUCK ITS RINGING AGAIN

CapsLockGirl: "Ok done, how do I change my password" (She's quite paranoid about people reading her e-mail)
Me: *ctrl-alt-del change password blahblah*
CapsLockGirl: "Huh? 8 character limit?!"
Me: "It's more secure."
CapsLockGirl: "Ok, I'll just repeat it twice"
Me: "...It's not your PIN repeated twice, is it?"
CapsLockGirl: "......No!"
Me: "Uh-huh."

FUCK IT'S RINGING AGAIN WHY MUST YOU INTERRUPT MY FUCKING LIFE

CapsLockGirl: "Got any pics of your trip to Thailand?"
Me: *sob*

---

Derosion sounds better.

US English...probably.

I never really cared about the US/UK spelling of certain words. Some people get so riled up about it, but I always thought that so long as the meaning of the word was conveyed, then it's all ok. Isn't that what language is all about?

CapsLockGirl, however, seems intent on breaking down such barriers.

---

CapsLockGirl: "Hi, I need the wireless key. I've moved to another laptop, and I don't know it."
Me: "It's promise!6. all lower case, no spaces, the number 6...if you can't find the !, it's shift-1." (Ok, I was being a dick here :D )
CapsLockGirl: "Nono, it's not working...it's not liking it."
Me: "Please tell me exactly what you typed."
CapsLockGirl: "promize!six"

---

At least she's consistent!

Hurr Hurr 69 joke!

Our company has gone through a lot of employee turnover recently. Among the biggest changes was in Accounts - our old accountant, who pretty much demanded he was in charge of everything (even outside of Accounts) had moved on, and we had received, in his place, ShakespeareAccountant. 

ShakespeareAccountant, while a far more competent accountant that what we had, has a rather large flair for the dramatic during everyday speech. It almost seems like life is merely a stage for him, and he's inside a play, rehearsing his lines to us. Since he's just started, and trying to get his head around our policies (some of which are retarded), he's in the "TRAGEDY! ALAS!" mode of acting. 

And then the Tax Office called.

---

ShakespeareAccountant: "The Tax Office wants some of our files!"
Me: "Oh. Is that bad?"
ShakespeareAccountant:: "Well, its not great, but we're not a dodgy company, so we'll be fine. I need access to our Quickbooks data files."
Me: "Cool, not a proble-......wait, we use Quickbooks? What happened to MYOB?"
ShakespeareAccountant:: "Huh? We've always used both in tandem. You know, on <compname>?"
Me: "Oh, that thing. Er...I've never had access to it. Finance stuff, and all that - the old accountant didn't like sharing access for anything. Can't you access the data through your machine? I always assumed that you had some software that talked to it"
ShakespeareAccountant:: "Um....I just play with numbers."

--- 

I found out that the Quickbooks box is basically a network storage device, sans UPS. No-one here knows how to access it, and of course, all actual documentation is long gone (if it ever existed). And now the Tax Office has used the words "urgently need".

You know, if I hadn't just had an awesome holiday, this might annoy me.

Fresh Blood.

So, after my trip to Thailand, I come back and find that my boss has resigned, and that I've gotten a new boss. He's a total Mac fanboy, with a strong history with databases and management. I have named him iOrgasm, for he seems to be aroused by any 'sexy' computer hardware designs, be it Apple's gifts, or over-the-top heatsink/fans.

Today, he had an IT problem, and so being the eager, fresh, not-tainted-at-all employee, I offered my services.

---

iOrgasm: "My network seems to drop out on Monday mornings"
Me: "Oh...er, that's weird. Let's replace your network cab-"
iOrgasm: "Must be Mondayitis!"
Me: "Hahaha. Here's your cabl-"
iOrgasm: "But seriously, machines do seem to suffer from it. It's been a problem at previous workplaces" (He's 100% serious)
Me: ".....um.......cabl-"
iOrgasm: "Thanks, but knowing my luck, it'll be ok tomorrow!"

---

I can tell he's going to be ripped to shreds by this job.

Porn in the Sunshine state.

TheFuckingFucker from the QLD office calls me up and...well.

---

TheFuckingFucker: "Our internet is slow! Like, really really fucking slow!!"
Me: "Ok, let's have a look...looks like everyone's slow....hmmm...ok, let me check the ISP..."
TheFuckingFucker: "The...uh....ISP? Don't we have an unlimited quota?" (Something is wrong, he's not swearing)
Me: "Er, nope, you have 30gb for the month, and we've never gone over that limit before, and now there's only 3 people in the QLD office, so it shouldn't be an issue, but let me just double check...."
TheFuckingFucker: "Um...30gb huh...."
Me: "Ah. Your office has gone over the limit within 12 working days...and it looks like someone downloaded 17gigs of data last Wednesday...even after work hours..."
TheFuckingFucker: "Oh...really...I wonder who..."

---

Felt really good to prove it's not our fault :3 I'm sure I haven't heard the last of this!

It's not supposed to be doing that.

You know it's going to be a bad day when you walk in and OldOfficeLady goes "Oh hi, about 6 people have called for you!". PonyGirl, our head IT contractor, was not-so-strangely absent. (it's a guy, has a ponytail, is at least 35 years old, and deserves it).

Our Remote Desktop server had been restarted last night (critical update, http://www.theage.com.au/technology/security/microsoft-patches-critical-crack-in-windows-operating-system-20100803-114az.html). All well and good, but PonyGirl forgot to remind me (or himself!) that the server's config requires a button press to continue boot up (ala "Press F1 to continue!"). I boggle at why the fuck this is so.

In fact, I tend to boggle a lot. It's a pretty awesome word!

I had hoped that would stop the torrents of calls, but not so.

PonyGirl can't tell difference between AM and PM, and our domain controller decides to restart itself at 9:30 this morning for some scheduled thing. Queue another 10 calls saying "Yea my e-mail is asking for a password!". 

At least I had a chance to show off my true professionalism - when you walk into the server room, turn on the monitor for the domain controller, and see "Windows is shutting down..." and you DON'T automatically say "What the fuck?!" in front of your boss.

Today can only get better...I hope.

Russians are threatening war, Mr. President!

AngryRussian must be stuck in the Cold War era. It's the only way I can explain his paranoia and general asshole-ness. This saga took place over the weekend, where I don't get paid for any work I do. Apparently in Soviet Russia, weekends work you.

---

--
30th July, Friday Afternoon 4:30ish (who really wants to take calls at this time)
--

AngryRussian: "I can't connect to my work e-mail from home!! WTF! FUCKING MICROSOFT IS GAY! AT MY OLD WORKPLACE WE BLAHBLA-"
Me: "Ok, go to web e-mail, open this link, I'll take remote control."
AngryRussian: "Sigh how the fuck do I do that?"
Me: "Go to this address - https://workdomainname/remote...make sure you get the S in https."
AngryRussian: "Sorry, what? An x?"
Me: "S. S for sydney."
AngryRussian: "S for sydney?"
Me: "Yup!"
AngryRussian: "...It's not working, the server must be down, for fucks sake!"
Me: "Er, it's up, can you repeat the address you've typed in please?"
AngryRussian: "httpsforsydney://workdomainname/remote"
Me: "..........."
AngryRussian: "Fucking computers!"

I go through the process of telling him the address, get him to follow the link in the e-mail, and I take remote control.

Me: "Ok...you're not getting any e-mails in Outlook at home because you're not connected to the VPN."
AngryRussian: "VPN? You mean the Internet? I'm connected!"
Me: "If you want your e-mail in your Outlook client at home, you'll need to connect to the VPN first, then you'll get your e-mails."
AngryRussian: "Jesus fucking christ, more connections?!"
Me: "Let me set this up for you, ok? You understand that you'll have to click on <desktop shortcut> first, ok?"
AngryRussian: "Yea yea ok bye."

--
Saturday morning (9am on the fucking dot, don't you people have lives?!)
--
 
AngryRussian: "I CAN'T GET E-MAIL WHY"
Me: "Did you connect to the VPN?"
AngryRussian: "The what!?"

*Explains the process again*

AngryRussian: "OK THANKS jesus so much fucking around aye!?"

--
Sunday
--

Stayed in bed all day and didn't answer my phone. Someone tried to call, I did not look, nor care.

--
Morning morning
--

AngryRussian: "Hey where you been?"
Me: "..............unwell." (AVOIDING YOU, YOU FUCK)
AngryRussian: "Yea, me too! I've got kidney stones, man these fuckers hurt"
Me: "what's up?"
AngryRussian: "I haven't gotten any e-mail in my Outlook!"

---

I WILL DESTROY YOUR FUCKING KIDNEYS YOU FUCK

Lost and Found.

The Sydney Office is really starting to get on my nerves. Some people there, like the nerdy asian chick, are wonderful people who can actually function with a computer in their environment.

Some people, however, live to infect misery and hatred upon others.

Today's drama (at least, part of it) involved our backup procedure. It's not a particulary complex thing - 2 external HDDs used on a daily, rotating basis. This has been in place since before I started (so well over a year now), and apparently CapsLockGirl had recently been given the task of rotating the drives - and today, we needed to grab something off them.

---

CapsLockGirl: "Yea, apparently we need to restore from a backup, whatever THAT means. Can you do it from the Melbourne office?"
Me: "Not really, no. All your backups are handled up there"
CapsLockGirl: "Oh yea, I know, but....yea."
Me: "What's happened?" (At this point, I have resigned myself already to pain and suffering)
CapsLockGirl: "Well, I um...I can't find the drive!"
Me: "...er..."
CapsLockGirl: "It's at home, somewhere!"
Me: "...why is at your home, no wait, SOMEWHERE at home? Where are you keeping it??"
CapsLockGirl: "I just took it home one day! It's ok, we're still backing up to the other drive each day!"
Me: "..." *sob*

---

Not long after I curled up into a ball and started sobbing, AngryRussian decided to call up - it was he who needed something from the backup drives.

---

Me: "Ok, so I've restored your file."

AngryRussian: "I fucking hate Excel, it always does shit like this!"
Me: "Like what?" (note: this was my mistake, should of just "uh huh" and left it at that)
AngryRussian: "Well, I was looking at some fucking data, and I did a sort on some columns, fucked up the other columns but anyway"
Me: "Okaaaaayyyy"
AngryRussian: "And then I closed it down, it asked me if I wanted to save it, I clicked yes, and it fucking saved and closed it!"
Me: "So....it did exactly what you told it to?"
AngryRussian: "Yes! Now all the data in the columns I didn't sort is out of place! I didn't want it to do that, I wanted to undo!"
Me: "Er....ok."
AngryRussian: "Fucking Excel. Fucking Microsoft products, they all do this!!"
Me: "....yes, yes they do."

---

I wonder if there was a communist OS back in the day.

Legend of the CapsLockGirl grows.

CapsLockGirl is starting to get into the habit of calling me each morning, asking things are, etcetc. I think she's just lonely (reception can be a boring job!), but my friends think otherwise. I usually disagree, but I'm starting to lean towards it!

Another day, another frantic phone call from CLG.

---

CapsLockGirl: "E-mail's not working! I click on Outlook, nothing's happening!!"
Me: "Er, ok, let me remote in......it's working! I can see it!"
CapsLockGirl: "I can't!"
Me: "Er....you're on a laptop, right?
CapsLockGirl: "Yeaaaa...."
Me: "Is there a monitor plugged in to it?"
CapsLockGirl: "Yeaaaa...."
Me: "Is it turned on?"
CapsLockGirl: "How do you turn it on?"
Me: ".......Push the power button"
CapsLockGirl: "I can't find it, hey <other person in office>, where's the power button for this TV?" (I die a little)
<other person>: "Here." (I wish I could see their face, I'm sure it's laced with contempt)
CapsLockGirl: "Ah! E-mail's back! Thank you so much!"

---

Well, at least she's polite, I guess?

Jean-Luc is cool.

We've been designing some CD labels to stick on some discs that we're sending out to clients; today is mail day.

---

OldOfficeLady: "I'm printing out this CD label, but there's a white circle in the middle, I don't want a hole in my CD design!
Me: *picard facepalm*

---

Gotta find that ASCII art.

Could be worse!

FrazzledMum's daughter is on Facebook and talking to guys, and like all mothers, she's not exactly over the moon with the idea. One thing lead to another, and we were checking out her Facebook page.

--

FrazzledMum: "Yea, I can't see this update...waaaiitt...my daughter has a boyfriend?" *checks it out* "Justin....Stormrage? Stormrage? What kind of name is that?"
Me: *dies laughing*
FrazzledMum: "What?! Tell me!? It is bad!?! What's it mean?! Tell me, my daughter's innocence is at stake here!!"

---

(non-WoW nerds: search for Stormrage at WoWWiki.com!)

But, is she hot?

Since this blog first started as a "Hey guys, look how much my work sucks" email amongst friends, the replies I usually get are "christ, get the fuck out" or "DON'T KILL YOURSELF" or, most often, "Is she hot? Hit it and quit it!"

While there are certainly some most, MOST attractive women in the office, the problem is that when you do a lot of your work remotely, you can't accurately judge a person over the phone. Sure, some have a totally sexy voice that makes you want to pay $2 a minute, but for the most part, you just fantasize and hope you never meet them.

After I told this story, my friends were adamant that I had to go to Sydney and "collect". CapsLockGirl has become quite the legend to them.

---

*ring ring*

Me: "Hel-"
CapsLockGirl: "OH GOD I'VE LOST SO MUCH DATA OH GOD PLEASE HELP ME I'M GOING TO LOSE MY JOB"
Me: "......Hi! What's up?"
CapsLockGirl: *sob* "I was working with filtering in excel and then all the data disappeared and oh god I'm so dead I can't reenter all that my job is gone do we have backups please say yes"
Me: "......" *removes filter*
CapsLockGirl: "OMG I LOVE YOU THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU I'll never touch filters again!"

---

I can't tell if she's hot, but WHO CARES, AMIRITE *fistbump*

Title Drop!

This is it.

This is when my friends said I should start blogging my workplace - they said that "this shit needs to be saved for future generations".

This is when CapsLockGirl earned her name, and they realised that my job really is as bad as it seems. Remember, CLG is an office admin lady, and works at a keyboard nearly 8 hours a day.

---

CapsLockGirl: "Help! I can't log in!"
Me: "What's the error?"
CapsLockGirl: "Caps lock is on!"
Me: "Oh, ok, so turn it off?"
CapsLockGirl: "Yea, that's why I rang......where's the caps lock key?"
Me: "It's, er, next to the A key"
CapsLockGirl: "Ok, thanks, please don't laugh!"
Me: "...sure..." *giggle*

---

Forever shall ye be known as CapsLockGirl.

My brain hurts.

Today, I realised just how sucky a phone system is for IT support. Also, I realised just how close a phone call can drive you to kill a man.

AngryRussian is a regular caller from our Sydney office, and loves to pretend that he knows everything about IT. Change is a horrible force for him, and I'm sure still resents the fall of the Wall. He recently got a new laptop for work, and I was tasked (cursed?) with setting up Outlook for him.

Just to be clear - while AngryRussian has a slight accent, his English is of native-speaker level.

---

Me: "Ok, so just type in sydserve into the server name field, and we're done!"
AngryRussian: "sydserve?"
Me: "Ah, sorry. s-y-d-s-e-r-v-e. V for er...vacuum" (I nearly said 'vulva')
AngryRussian: "Ah ok...its not working."
Me: "Oh? you've typed it correctly? s-y-d-s-e-r-v-e?"
AngryRussian: "Oh, a "d"!...ok...still not working."
Me: "s-y-d-s-e-r-"
AngryRussian: "Yes yes as you said it, ok, I got it."
Me: "Oh...ok, sounds like you're not actually on the network. Can you click on Start, run, type in cmd, then push enter for me please?"
AngryRussian: "Yup, ok, black screen is up, Microsoft windows square bracket version 6 point 1 point 2 poi-"
Me: "Ok, that's it! Please type in "i-p-c-o-n-f-i-g, then push enter."
AngryRussian: "Why didn't you just say ipconfig?"
Me: *twitch* "Just being sure. now, in the information that came up, can you see a line that says IP Addre-"
AngryRussian: "C colon slash documents and settings slash my name slash ipconfig, blank line, windows ip configuration, blank lines, wireless lan adapater configur-"
Me: *mini-seizure* "Ok that's great, what's your IP address?"
AngryRussian: *more talking to himself, repeating all info, thankfully he actually has an IP*
Me: "Ok, that's weird. Can you type "ping 192.168.0.1", then push enter for me?"
AngryRussian: "ping192.168.0.1 is not a recognized program or-"
Me: "Sorry, my bad, please put a space after the word ping and the numbers."
AngryRussian:  *mutters* "Should of said that the first time..."
Me: *rage level climbing* "Ok, you see 4 lines come up, yea?"
AngryRussian: "Yea....but why is sydserve coming up?"
Me: "That's the name of the server, it's been like that for at least 2 years."
AngryRussian: "Nono, you said it was sydsereve!"
Me: ".....sydsereve?"
AngryRussian: "yea, s-y-d-s-e-r-e-v-e."
Me: *rage level critical* "No, there's not e after the r."
AngryRussian: "Oh, so it's s-y-d-s-e-r-e-v? That doesn't make any sense"
Me:  "......................................no, s-y-d-s-e-r-v-e." (yes, the pause was that long)
AngryRussian: "Ohhhh! Ok, I'll change it in outlook....it works! God, fucking computers, ay?"
Me: "Ok, all done, I'm going to lunch now, please call <my boss> if you have any more problems" *click*

---

It was still mid-morning, and I knew that the rest of the day was to be forever tainted by AngryRussian.

Can't type, can cook.

Correspondence from my mother, not long after I set her computer up. I don't think much else needs to be said.

---

On 14 April 2010 19:14, Mum <removed@hotmail.com> wrote:

Hi lamb chop I'm doing ok so far I have been browsing the net and youtube and doing ok I am learning as I am going along. This  email is to let you know that I went to visit D yesterday  to sort out with her the current situation with the pets. We came to an amical AGREEMENT  THEY WILL RING ON THURSDAY NIGHT     AND COME FOR THE WEEKEND. hOW DO i FIX UP THE SHIFT kEY? SO THAT Ii RETURN TO THE PROPER WAY.    aLSO MY TYPING SPACE IS ONLY 5 LINES DEEP HOW DO i FIX THIS? 

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Stuck forever in Caps Lock Hell.

Ugh, so complicated!

I miss the old receptionist. The new one is a nice person and all that, but she's well into grandmother ages. The old one was blonde and had great breasts - what more could you ask for? 

(yes, you are seeing a pattern emerging)

Anyway, OldOfficeLady calls me up about running a office AFL tipping competition through a third-party website - she's having a few issues creating it.

---

OldOfficeLady: "Hey xxxx, you're good with computers right? They're so complicated, you know!"
Me: "Sure, that's why this company hired me to work he-"
OldOfficeLady: "Great! Sort out this competition for me. I tried to do one at a website, but it's too complicated! Computers, ugh!!"

*2 mins later*

Me: "it's done"
OldOfficeLady: "omg! so quick! how!?"
Me: "You didn't create an account, etcetc."
OldOfficeLady: "HUH?! Computers, ugh, so complicated!"

---

Sigh.

Like a seed...

...the legend of the IT Support Technician grows. I don't really like doing this - in the long run, it helps to educate users - but sometimes, when you really can't be bothered, you can either spout technical BS and hope the user just doesn't care, or do this.

And this is much more fun.

---

*ring ring*

Me: "Hello?"

RandomGirl: (about a 6.5/10, I know you'll ask): "OMG HELP IM HAVING PROBLEMS AGAIN WITH MY...wait..."
Me: "???" (one day, I will know how to convey this over the phone, and then my training will be complete)
RandomGirl: "ITS FIXED! OMG! How did you know!? Did you do it via the phone wireless?!?! How?!?"
Me: "......trade secret. Bye~!"
RandomGirl: "...wow."

---

To other IT Techs thinking of using this to impress women and get into their pants - it never works that way, all you'll ever get is the Friend Zone. For the love of God, don't do it.

Breaking up is hard to do.

HotBlondeChick left today :(

We had hit up quite the friendship when she had come back for the second time - we had similar interests, and we like teasing each other (no, not sexually, but yes her breasts really are fucking awesome. "Motorboat" comes to mind, along with oh-so-many other things). Also, she knew what she was doing with a computer, so there's that. I can't think of any "dumb blonde" stories off the top of my head, so that makes her a Good User in my book!

Someone (outside work) once told me that she was totally into me, and that I should bite the bullet and ask her out. While tempting, it wasn't going to happen - she's got a boyfriend already, been together for years, I think. I don't think my mojo is THAT good. We shall never know!

Hugs, goodbye, boob squishes all round. I'll miss my wife, but I guess I'll have DumbFacebookGirl to make up for it (seriously, amazing breasts there as well. Is my company a magnet for this? Maybe this blog should be about breasts, would be more popular).

In other news, someone deleted a spreadsheet "by accident", but didn't seem that happy when I recovered it. Either that, or she's just a bitch. I'd be pissed if I had her job as well (phone bitch, or something). Most people are amazed when I do something like this ("Its like magic!"), so either's she really jaded or wants to kill me/everyone at work.

I am afraid.

Tasty, jiggling revenge.

Being in IT isn't all bad. When people rely on you to fix their mistakes, you can have some great fun playing with their misery - especially when you know that this person isn't the greatest employee of all time. Today's victim was DumbFacebookGirl - possibly the greatest piece of eye candy ever, but not the sharpest tool in the shed when it comes to "computer things". Her actions on Facebook (downloaded a dodgy app, lost work, etc) led to the company policy of it being banned to all work employees. 

Needless to say, she's not the most popular person in the office at the moment, and is trying to keep her head down and out of the way.

---

DumbFacebookGirl: "HELP! I can't open this word doc! If I've lost it, I've basically lost my job! Its days of work!! You've got to help me!!" (she's in near hysterics, bouncing up and down on her seat, and oh god her breasts totally jiggle, it is AMAZING)
Me: "Ok, I'll get back to you in 2 mins"

*2 mins later*

Me: "Yeah sorry, the doc is corrupted - whatever is in there is gone forever, no chance of backup. Did you save a copy? Was it important?"

*cue jiggly heart attack, complete with lots of "Oh God I'm fired it's all over"*

Me: "Just kidding! It's back!"

DumbFacebookGirl: "FUCK YOU thank you so much but FUCK YOU"

---

Feels good, bro.